Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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