I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
