just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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