I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
