I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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