some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
