We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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