why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize