you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
