So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
