Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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