Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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