I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
either way he was missing a nipple.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Holy sore nipples Batman
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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