My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
