He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
