FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
