FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
