My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize