I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize