ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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