Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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