I will die if light touches me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize