tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
