you traded sex for a burrito?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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