that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
