The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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