I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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