I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
