just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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