We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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