did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
