This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
