I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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