I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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