Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
