Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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