We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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