did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
