How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
