Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
