Banned from zoo.
Again?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
