My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
