i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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