i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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