i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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