I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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