I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
