Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
false alarm. still invincible.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize