I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
