There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
