we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
