you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
