saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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