Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
