as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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