Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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