Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
