Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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