she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...