yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful