toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
