Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My balls are so social today.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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